I'm amazing. I'm perfect.

Last weekend I babysat three of my grandbabies. All boys. All under five. I love them dearly, AND they are a handful. We were at our family cabin on an island, and the weather was pleasantly warm for south western Norway at the beginning of June. To kill time on Sunday, we walked from the cabin to the local school, hung out at the playground, and after a couple of hours, headed back to the cabin. A round trip of about 4 kilometers. I had the double stroller, with the 16 month old in it, but encouraged the almost three year old to walk. And he did. There are no pavements on these narrow island roads, so the children are trained to step out to the side of the road and stand still when cars drive by. The almost three year old dutifully did this as a car passed us, and I called out ‘Good job!’ Then I promptly heard him say to nobody in particular ‘Yeah. Im amazing. I’m perfect.’

I laughed out loud, and agreed with him.

And now I can’t stop thinking about it. Oh, to have the self assurance of an almost three year old!

First of all, congratulations to the boys’ mother, who clearly has been instilling in them this positive self-talk and excellent vocabulary. Their father (my son), speaks Norwegian to them, so I know this is my American Daughter in law’s doing.

Secondly, I wish I had done this with my children. And I wish I was better at it with myself.

The worst thing my dad could say about anything or anyone, was that they were mediocre. Mediocrity was drummed in to me as being the absolute lowest of the low. Sadly, it is also a word I often hear inside my head when I do anything. Write anything. Say anything. Make anything. And objectively speaking, a lot of what I produce, is just that.

I know I am not what I do or make or say or write. But still. Deep down inside I consider myself to be … mediocre. Ouff.

Every time I get a new subscriber on this platform, I panic a little. I worry that I’m not giving people what they are expecting. That I’m not being productive enough. And then I remind myself that nobody is probably waiting for me to produce anything, and nobody will miss my missives.

I want to write, and yet I don’t. I want to share my voice, and yet I feel like I’m self-silencing. I have been trying to be more assertive in my life for a while now, but it’s hard.

My only daughter is my hype-girl though.

So here’s to taking up more space, silencing the negative voice in my head, and believing those around me who say I’m amazing.

I’m amazing. But not perfect. And I don’t think I need to be. Do I?