Just Chill

Switching the script, because the old one wasn't working

I have some repenting to do. I have been touting relationship advice I no longer subscribe to. To be fair, not all of it is going out with the bath water, but a good chunk of it is.

It’s not like I have formal credentials as a marriage or relationship expert, or that I think my recommendations have made much difference in anybody else’s lives. But I’ve been doing this marriage thing for almost 37 years at this point, and both me, the relationship itself and what I now believe to be ‘best practice’ have all thankfully evolved some. It’s time for an update.

The shift has been gradual over the last few years, but these last few weeks I have listened to and read a couple of things that have been swirling around in my mind, and I feel a need to sort them out. Here.

First, an excellent article by Celeste Davis over on Matriarchal Blessing.
I have been sharing this article large and wide already, and re-read it again yesterday.

The marriage advice every couple needs, but no one gets

The TL;DR of it (at least for me) was that the relationship script we have been using for decades now, doesn’t work the same way for both parties. (Gottman and Chapman, I’m looking at you). We have been told and trained to believe that better communication and gratitude can solve every issue, and that learning each other’s love languages is the answer. It made total sense to me for years. But it didn’t really work. Because women tend to internalize the conditioning that we need to be more selfless, kind, and accommodating to make our relationships work. Men, on the other hand, simply don’t. If anything, they internalize the message that their job in a marriage or relationship is to be a leader, a benevolent patriarch, a stoic. So we get stuck in a rut, and blame ourselves when life isn’t smooth sailing. We need to switch the script.

Celeste explains it so beautifully, so go read her article. My jumbled thoughts really don’t do it justice.

The article brought to mind my own personal mission statement that I formulated years ago now, and still have hanging on my office wall.

Blurgh. There is nothing wrong with it, per se. But at the same time everything is actually wrong with it. Because I just couldn’t seem to be able to hack it. And it still took two to tango. Why, oh why did I believe it was solely MY responsibility or role to create a ‘little piece of heaven on earth’? Or serve constantly with a grateful heart?

Which then brings me to the Relationscapes with Blair Hodges podcast episode with author Kate Mangino about her book ‘Equal Partners - improving gender equality at home’.

Given my age (57) and how long we’ve been married, and how this book is meant more for young families with children, you would think it wasn’t really relevant for us empty nesters. But it really is! It might be too late to implement some of the suggestions, but there are plenty to incorporate and build on. By some miracle, we are actually doing pretty well in the equal partner department. Far from perfect, but not hopeless. Some of the remedies suggested in the book have actually been an organic part of our family life - either by happy accident, or by intentional design.

Disclaimer

We live in Norway, and pretty much have our entire lives. Norway is quite egalitarian in most ways. We have one of the highest rates of women in the work force. We have access to cheap, high quality child care (although that came after my children had aged out of it). By some miracle, although my husband was the youngest child of older parents born in the 1920’s, and was never expected to do anything remotely domestic in nature, he happened to grow up to be both quite a natural and willing housekeeper and homemaker. I didn’t have to ‘train’ him in any way.

That said, I grew up smack right in the middle of the Benson years, and was not insignificantly influenced by the ‘Sisters, Come Home’ rhetoric of the eighties. I thought I was supposed to forego higher education and be a stay at home mom in order to be a righteous, god-fearing woman and mother.

Happy accident

So I did - almost. Norway happens to also be one of the most expensive countries in the world, and the cost of living was - and is - very high. So I worked full time until our first child was born, and then, after my paid maternity leave (even way back in 1989) I returned to work part-time as a hotel receptionist. Working in a hotel, and later at the airport on the ground for Scandinavian Airlines, entailed shift work. I worked early mornings, or afternoons and evenings - and every other weekend for 16 years. This meant that my better half simply had to take the home shift on his own on a very regular basis. He worked a normal hour office job, and when I was working daytime shifts I relied on sitters and family - but he dealt with the early mornings, the afternoons and evenings and weekends. All the cleaning, cooking, bed times, and the extracurricular activities. This meant that he was able to develop a much closer relationship to our four children than if I had been home all the time, and I was relieved of the continuous mental and physical work load of running a home with four children. I especially noticed this when I was on subsequent maternity leaves with the next three kids. When I was home, it was just easier ‘to do it all myself’, even when we were both there.

Intentional Design

So why was I still resentful? He was doing more than his ‘fair share’. When I finally decided to take some university classes part time, he stepped up and cut back on overtime and was super supportive. And yet - I was not happy. He got to go off to a job he loved every day, while I was killing myself working a part time job I didn’t particularly like, homemaking part time (not very well) and studying part time, which I loved, but found exhausting all the same. Something had to give.

The kids were getting older, and could pitch in more. The solution for us was to include them in the planning and executing of pretty much everything that needed to be done at home, preferably together. We had many different routines over the years, from elaborate chore lists where everybody chose what they did, to designated zones in the house. Although I sometimes wondered if they would survive on their own as adults, I have since had the gratifying experience of seeing them become quite capable adults, who simply prefer cleanliness and order, and know what it takes to have it.

As they grew up and moved out, we had to find new ways to divide the work. Vacuuming was a big shock to my system after many years of the kids doing it, but all in all, the practical stuff has worked itself out. There is also less mess to clean up.

I returned to full time work when the kids were in their teens, and then in my late forties returned to uni and full time studies. Resenting my husband for not living my life as I wanted was never fair on him. Surprise, surprise! I was the only one with the power to do anything about that part. (It also helped that University is basically free in Norway. You only pay for books - and living. )

But what about the emotional labor?

So the practical sides of equal partnership we were pretty much able to figure out. But the emotional stuff was way more difficult. Years and years of good cop - bad cop dynamics with the children, mixed in with a faith transition and some emotional distance, meant we had some work to do.

I was always a voracious reader. Hubs, not so much. I would read and read and read all the self help books and marriage books and relationship books, and try to share what I was learning. I felt like I was always nagging, and just banging my head against the proverbial brick wall. I’m pretty sure he felt I was too.

Not self-help books, but the only photo I could find of a stack of books right now.

And finally, I just stopped.

I let go. I let go of the crushing responsibility to ensure everybody’s happiness that was never mine in the first place. I let go of trying to do it all. Or more accurately, I let go of the notion that I was supposed to. Most importantly, I let go of the idea that systemic inequality was a personal, individual failure. I had been conditioned to ‘not rock the boat’ and be grateful. It wasn’t my fault, but it wasn’t my husband’s either.

I stopped trying to force myself to be kinder, sweeter, more patient.

My new mantra slowly became ‘Grace & Space’. For myself, and everyone around me.

Letting go allowed me to become less tense, more curious, and simply happier.

Our dog Nemi was famously ‘chill’. I would look at her and think ‘that’s what I want to be like: Chill.’ I’m not chill by nature. I’m anxious and hectic and judgemental. Still. I’m working on it. Letting go, that is. And it’s making me a happier, more relaxed partner.

#OLW

Years ago, in my active scrapbooking and blogging days, I joined the #OLW - One Little Word challenge. Each year I would choose a single word to focus on throughout the next twelve months. Off the top of my head I remember years of Imperturbable, Peace, Today, Steadfast, His, Togetherness, Listen, Breathe - and most incriminatingly Selfless.

Ouch. How I beat myself up for not being selfless enough. I vividly remember creating a word cloud of my blog content. The most prominent word was I. I quickly deleted the image, and never blogged about it. I can still remember the hot flush of embarrassment as the image appeared. Me. I. Self. Ego.

So for years I clinged to the thought that less of me was a good thing to aspire to.

I don’t think so anymore.

Taking up more space, being more assertive, allowing myself to feel my feelings and express my wants has, I believe, made me a better wife.

Is the decrease in level of conflict in our home only due to me changing? Nah. As in every aspect of life, it’s more complex than that. Age has mellowed us both.

My best relationship advice now? Just be more chill.

Happy Valentines Day!